Recovery (First Act)

Jul. 23rd, 2017 12:00 pm
medievales: (Default)
[personal profile] medievales


My parents are traveling since friday, and should be out for just three days. It was supposed to be the time of my life: I would watch my tv shows on the living room using the biggest screen, I would walk around naked and do whatever I want, whenever I want. It would be those small fractions of freedom that I don't usually get much (my dad is retired and always around, my younger brother tends to be clingy, you get the picture). But the problem was: they left me the exactly week I don't feel well.

It started mostly on friday, after my psychologist's session. It was a really tense one, mostly about my eating disorders and how it affected me in the past and now. Also, about how people tend to behave around me when the subject is food and eating. It was terrible. I mean, I thought I was doing well these past weeks, mainly because I stopped crying all the time whenever I merely entered my psychologist's office, and the medication was making me feel so active. I won't lie, it was still hard to clean around much, and to go outside, but I was doing some chores already and feeling less empty and dead inside.

So, when I left the psychologist, I didn't take five whole minutes to have a compulsion in the snack bar just in front of the building. I just ate like my life depended on it, like I didn't do for a month. I felt like failure. I came home and began to enter again in that self destructive mode, where I have terrible compulsions, think about purging, and then just stay in bed wishing an accident would happen and I would finally find peace in death. I thought it couldn't get any worse, but saturday was... well, it was one of the worst days I had in my entire life. Compulsion, again, an intense fear of everything and everyone, this awful desire to do my chores or simply do something, but an impossible weight on my shoulders that kept me on bed. Somedays when I get like this, I can at least watch some tv, or read. But not yesterday. I just... kept staring at the wall, crying and thinking what I could do to make that pain go away.

I am not suicidal. At least not as much as I was before. I still think about it, but I won't engage. I was the one that decided to seek help, I was the one that scheduled a psychologist, I was the one that accepted medication. I want to get better. But I thought that once I started feeling better, I wouldn't fall again in these miserable days, where everything is simply too much. I thought things would just go easily, and I would feel everyday better. I know recovery isn't easy and requires hard work, and isn't always linear. But deep inside, I was trying to believe it would be all those things.

Nope I'm totally overwhelmed

Jul. 21st, 2017 07:49 am
nrgburst: (watney do the math)
[personal profile] nrgburst
Okay we have 8 days left in Japan and I'm still trying to scan pictures so I can bring memories digitally instead of big stacks of albums and sell stuff. We aren't even started packing our suitcases. And we have so many bucket list people to see one last time and things to do and eat one last time. And now my kids are done school and expect entertainment. This is like The Perfect Storm. I'm sorely tempted to just get on the plane and LEAVE. ALL. THE. CRAP. BEHIND. So what if we lose a couple years of photos, right? siiigghhh 

In fandom news:
Game of Thrones is back and I'm suddenly shipping Missandei/Grey Worm like whoa. Those little glimpses in the trailers have got me so excited! They've had just the sweetest ~longing looks~ relationship where they've both vocalized how much they desire the other and yet have dutifully refused to act on their feelings. JUST DO IT ALREADY DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT SHOW YOU ARE ON. Like, other characters keep going on and on about how he has no equipment, and I'm like... that's not technically true? The way he shut down Daario on that with just a withering look last season was just A+++ XDDD Seriously they can have all the joys of a loving relationship with none of the childbirth/rearing stress! I'm feeling this is a fantastic life choice decision especially now. XD I love how much he *hearteyes* over her, how she's always the one making all the moves because he won't
Awesome premiere ep though. It was very much like setting up pieces on a chess board- you can probably see how it's all going down...but you're likely to be completely crushed by your expectations when things go absolutely sideways instead! "The Great Game is terrifying" and absolutely riveting teeveeeeee! :DDD

Here is my fandom giftbox if any of you are interested! I don't know if anybody else has one, but reply with a link yours if you do! I love stuffing, but I will obviously be doing it post-move!

Shadowhunters continues to delight more and more! I think it's Sebastian|Jonathan, but I'm waaay more interested in 2B than 2A or S1? I just wish there was more Izzy and less Clary, but fine, fine plot. (Why do I always glom onto non-main characters to stan in TV shows? There's got to be a psychological reason for this.) 



halfeatenmoon: Sketch of a cloud in black ink on white background. (Default)
[personal profile] halfeatenmoon
First off, I posted a fic:

Words to lead you forward, Star Wars: TFA, Rey-centric Rey/Finn/Poe soulmarks story. About 3700 words.


I'm doing most of my writing on the train at the moment; at least in the mornings. I used to live in Ballarat, a hundred kilometres from the city I work in, and although the commute sounds terrible I really loved my time on the train. I nearly always got a seat on the train - rarely the case when you live in the suburbs - and it was a really great opportunity for writing. I wrote Green Toes entirely during train trips. Though I did also spend a lot of time video gaming.

I lived back in the Melbourne suburbs for a year and a half, where my commute was shorter but much less comfortable. And now I've just moved out to the very edge of Melbourne's suburbs. We're still technically in the urban sprawl, but there's a farm less than a kilometre from my house. I'm at the end of the train line, which means I nearly always get a seat, which means once again this is where most of my writing gets done. I kinda love it.

Still, most days I only seem to be enthusiastic about writing during the morning commute. By the evening I'm wiped after a day at work and it's much more tempting to turn on the mobile hotspot on my phone, link it up to my laptop wireless and browse all the internet I've missed out on for the last eight hours. (There was no mobile phone coverage for most of the trip from Ballarat, which saved me a great deal of browsing temptation.) Mobile internet gets expensive, though, so I'd probably reserve it for just backing up my writing if not for the fact that we don't have any wired internet at home so I essentially attached a whole new data plan (and high speed mobile modem) to my phone bill until the NBN company comes and puts in our cable.

Maybe once we have proper internet at home and I've ditched the extra data from my phone plan, I'll resist the temptation to browse Dreamwidth on the way home and write both ways. Or maybe it'll just be easier once I get used to the new job! But in comparison to some parts of the past, even writing for a solid 40 minutes once a day is pretty huge. I can let myself goof off on the way home.

Some Stuff

Jul. 18th, 2017 11:53 am
berryandthorn: (forest)
[personal profile] berryandthorn
  • This month I fell into a bit of a reading slump, and I've been slowly working my way out of it by reading a whole bunch of middle grade books. I just finished Ghost by Jason Reynolds and Olive's Ocean by Kevin Henkes. Olive's Ocean is an old favorite (I remember listening the audiobook when I was around the same age as the main character, Martha) and oh boy, did it hold up the second time around. I can't help but love how conflicted and miserable Martha is through most of the story because that's, more or less, how I felt when I was twelve: lonely and awkward and tired of everyone, especially everyone in my family. Olive's Ocean is also a very small story--one summer with one family--that still feels huge and deeply emotional. 
  • Ghost is pretty short. Even shorter than Olive's Ocean, which I read all the way through in one day. It's also hilarious, and features two things I adore: a snarky kid narrator and an "inspirational coach" type of character who's almost just as snarky. If anything, I wish that this one had been a little longer, but it's part of a series, so I will be able to spend more time with the characters once the second book comes out. 
  • I emailed in my application for peer tutoring a few days ago. I won't be getting an answer back for a couple more days, but I have a pretty good feeling about my chances. Mostly I'm just worried about filling the position for one of the classes that fits with the rest of my schedule before someone else does. 
  • An idea for a short story was bugging me, so I decided to try writing it down last week. I ended up learning two things. One: I can still write short stories, but two: I don't actually want to write short stories right now. Which feels weird, since I always figured that I did still want to write short stories--I just hadn't come up with any good ideas yet. But ideas aren't the problem. The problem is that I'm just not interested in them. And maybe I was never interested in writing short stories as much as I was interested in publishing short stories...anyway, if I'm going to write, I want to enjoy what I'm writing, so after typing up a couple paragraphs I gave up and dumped it in my "Bits & Pieces" file. It really wasn't a bad beginning. I'm just not interested in continuing it. At all. 
  • Better writing news: my July Horror Movie Spotlight for TFI is up. This month it's I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, which I already talked about here and still have mixed feelings about. I always find things I should have changed in my posts after they're finished and posted, but I don't think this one turned out too bad. You can find it here.  
  • I'm getting caught up on My Favorite Murder. Episode 77 was amazing, and by that I mean it covered two absolutely horrific stories. I haven't listened to Lore in a while, so that's next on my list. 

Fanficcing schedule

Jul. 18th, 2017 06:40 am
halfeatenmoon: Sketch of a cloud in black ink on white background. (Default)
[personal profile] halfeatenmoon
So.

I'm doing [community profile] iddyiddybangbang , which posts in September. I also want to participate in [community profile] remixrevival , which also posts in September. Signups for Remix run until the end of the month, and there are two fandoms I really like that I could qualify for in Remix if I polish up some WIPs and finally post them. SO... rather than getting a good start on my IIBB fic right now, I'm having a bit of a WIP-athon trying to finish things off. It's putting my other fic schedule back, but it's also kind of good to think about getting these things off my to-finish list. Hopefully this doesn't screw everything up?

Snippet: Star Wars TFA, Rey/Poe/Finn soulmate marks fic )

Utena: Five times Utena turned Anthy down )

She doesn't feel when Saionji slaps her, she doesn't react when Utena springs to her defence, and she doesn't really feel any of the happiness she's projecting when she smiles at the winner of the duel. It's a shock, that first night, when she reaches for her prince's shirt to start undressing her; not because Utena springs away, but because Anthy is so disappointed that it breaks through the layers and layers of numbing and she really, truly, feels. It's embarrassing, knowing that she looks truly sad and plaintive when she says "Why not?"

 
Apologies for font weirdness. I write in too many different programs with too many different default fonts.

roll on

Jul. 17th, 2017 06:52 am
halfeatenmoon: Sketch of a cloud in black ink on white background. (Default)
[personal profile] halfeatenmoon
I did the roller derby thing yesterday after all that agonising!

1. it was fun

2. driving is less scary each time I do it, which is not surprising since that's the way facing your fears WORKS but it manages to surprise me a bit anyway. my fear of driving is sometimes so all-encompassing that it's hard to imagine spending a moment of it in anything but white-knuckled terror.

3. driving was okay despite the fact that while nearing Ballarat I was like "woah is my suspension off? do I have a flat tyre???" and then realised it wasn't that, it was just THE SHEER FORCE OF THE WIND NEARLY DRIVING ME OFF THE ROAD.

4. it was opposite day at scrimmage, where I enjoyed jamming more than blocking (??) but also enjoyed reffing the advanced scrimmage so much that I didn't want to stop (?????)

MEANWHILE I also set myself up with artistic skating classes at a nearby rink here where I live!!! Only to hear from derby people that the staff at this rink are not good on safety stuff and it's best to learn somewhere else. Unfortunately there are just not that many other rinks to start with, let alone rinks that offer artistic skating. :/ Also let me tell you, it is somewhat sobering to hear <em>roller derby players</em> being concerned with your safety when doing <em>dance skating</em>. Definitely not discounting it, I completely believe them, but it sure goes against people's perception of skate disciplines.

I intend to check out the rink and the classes for myself anyway, just with a more measured look now. After five years of roller derby I'm pretty confident in my ability to judge what's safe, and to have boundaries, and I'm comfortable telling a teacher "I don't care what your class rules are, it's my body and I'm not going to do that right now." But proceeding with caution.




Meanwhile, in fandom, REMEMBER WHEN I USED TO TALK ABOUT DOCTOR WHO ALL THE TIME? Probably not, it's been at least five years, but I will definitely watch again for the new Doctor, omg. Excited to get this train back on track.


I've also started rewatching Utena, in a real blast from the past moment. The animation in this anime looked old when I first saw it back in the 2000s, and looks even older now. It strikes me that it's about the only time I've really enjoyed the arranged marriage trope. "I fought this duel to defend my friend's honour! I didn't realise that meant I was now engaged!" My partner walked over during episode three, during that bit where Touga tries flirting with Utena for the first time, and she just said "Don't touch her. I've watched this show for five seconds and I already know that." RIGHT ON.

also, like...

Jul. 16th, 2017 11:50 am
halfeatenmoon: Sketch of a cloud in black ink on white background. (Default)
[personal profile] halfeatenmoon
surprise, hi, I probably haven't posted here in over a year, here's an emotional and anxious post about roller derby.

why did I ever get into sports.
halfeatenmoon: Sketch of a cloud in black ink on white background. (Default)
[personal profile] halfeatenmoon
I moved house and started a new job all in the same week. That was three weeks ago, and I guess this is the first time I've felt like I had time to sit down, take my time and think. And yet I've barely taken any down time before I'm gearing up to do something else terrifying: drive out to Ballarat to play some roller derby again.

So much of the world seems overwhelming and scary to me sometimes. I know all about the value of leaving your comfort zone, but while i keep expanding my comfort zone it's still pretty small. Usually, just going about my daily life involves doing several things every day that scare me. It really isn't necessary to exacerbate it by combining two uncomfortable things (driving and playing sports) in one afternoon, and then commit to doing it every week. And yet, here I am, spending all morning obsessing about it, knowing I'll feel sad and disappointed if I don't go.

I've spent the last year trying to work out where I am with roller derby. I thought moving back to Melbourne and rejoining my old league would be fun, but I didn't feel at home there any more and then I was ground down by a concussion and by bullying. Spent the next six months just trying to get back to the point where I could get on the track without crying. And, okay, I got there, that was good.

I love skating, and I feel like I'm missing something without it. I love the derby community, too, and I feel sad when I'm not a part of it. The problem is that I never really had a great passion for competition, and now I feel that all my drive to compete is gone. Combine that with a whole pile of do-people-still-even-care-about-me feelings about the Ballarat club after being away for a year and a half, and I don't know where to find any motivation.

Although, there is always refereeing.

I haven't reffed before because... well, basically it looks too hard. I know! What the hell! Harder than having people tackle you while you're both wearing wheel shoes? Yes, because ti means making complex decisions about applying rules and people are going to question my judgement, and can I really deal with that? Also, it's a skill that takes ages to learn and I haven't felt like I had the energy for it. I'm not always up for feeling like a foolish newbie any more.

So in feeling overwhelmed and like I'm worn out from doing things that scare me, I've come around to a solution that also involves challenging myself. I'm also a bit stuck on the fact that I really enjoy the image of myself as a roller derby player. But I've done a lot of that by now, and if I don't feel excited by playing, is it worth it to keep up the image?

Even Shorter Entry

Jul. 14th, 2017 03:14 pm
berryandthorn: (jess)
[personal profile] berryandthorn
Sorry for the lack of updates, but, honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot worth writing about. I've been reading. (Mostly) keeping up with my writing goals, which is great. I also got the opportunity to apply to become a peer tutor for one of the FYEX (First Year Experiences) classes at my college, which I'll definitely do. The workload seems pretty reasonable, and I could use the extra credit. It also relates to my major (English Ed), so I really hope I can find a class that fits in with my schedule. 

Other than that, about the most interesting thing I did all week was rewatch The Magnificent Seven and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. I love both of these movies to pieces, and for similar reasons; they're both so. much. fun. I think it comes down to the chemistry between the characters--in both stories almost every interaction, between any combination of characters, is a joy to watch. The Magnificent Seven has that very stereotypical classic Western feel that I can't get enough of, and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. is so vibrant and beautiful and full of over-the-top period details. Especially Gaby's orange dresses. Seriously. Who knew orange could be such a flattering color? 

orpheus in the underworld

Jul. 12th, 2017 03:33 pm
medievales: (Default)
[personal profile] medievales


Sometimes I feel just like Orpheus in the Underworld.

As if I have this quest, although I am not well prepaired enough for it. As if I have everything to reach the success, but it's never reachable. And then you wonder to yourself if you actually have everything you need, the talent necessary, or even if you are cunning enough to get there. For me, it's difficult in times of doubt to trust in myself and in my plans. Hell, it's even difficult to believe I can actually get up from bed somedays. But I guess that the most important part is that I am trying? I don't know for sure.

Followed by this sensation I won't ever escape the underworld I created, I also have the incredible posture to lie to myself. My ways of living are not, and I repeat, orthodox. I can easily catch myself doing something that will cause harm, falling into old habits, but keeping that reaction that everything is alright. And how much I hate this. However, I also hate to ask for help and to be recieved with this pretentious smile, like someone else knows what is best for you.

The other thing that is driving me crazy is not being able to maintain my attention on anything. I can't even read anymore. Read. Something I often do so easily and that gives me such a pleasure. Sometimes I pick a new book on my kindle, read two chapters, grow excited by the story, but the next day I can't be interested enough to continue. Or I actually finish the book in this anxious state, that sometimes makes me pull an all-nighter just to get to the end, and then I can't begin a new one for the next three months. And it's ridiculous, because I am used to reading at least four books for month? I wonder if this is some part of my sadness or if I am just growing indifferent to life in general.

(Don't stop yourself from following me or anything because of my drama. I promise not everything will be like this here.)

fortuna imperatrix

Jan. 1st, 2017 12:00 am
medievales: (Default)
[personal profile] medievales
"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
— Lao Tzu

This is my collection of favorite quotes.
Please, do not comment on this post.

nocturne et lacrimosa

Jan. 1st, 2030 12:00 am
medievales: (Default)
[personal profile] medievales

Isadora; — From greek, gift of Isis.
24. INFJ . Brazil.

Interested in minimalist, books, sherlock and mermaids. 
Cancer with Sagittarius ascendant and moon in Scorpio.




Contact me:
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Links:
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likes&dislikes ♡♡♡
quotes ♡♡♡
 

Longer Entry Coming Soon

Jul. 9th, 2017 08:36 pm
berryandthorn: (cliffs)
[personal profile] berryandthorn
Maybe. Maybe not. We'll see.

Had an absolutely wonderful couple of days while our friend was visiting, but now that she's gone I feel drained and a little sad. On the bright side, I'm aching to get back to writing. I don't have much planned for this week, aside form sorting out some stressful but necessary college stuff, so it shouldn't be too hard to sneak in some long(ish) writing sessions. That and catching up on reading. I just finished Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance and have maybe a quarter left of one of those huge "Ann Rule's Crime Files" books.

And, oh yeah, we did end up going to see Spider-Man: Homecoming. It was hilarious. It also deserves its own much longer, gushy post, so for now here are a couple of the not-too-spoilery high points:

Read more... )

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